TOLEDO, Ohio — Jamar Winston has been with Toledo Fire & Rescue Department for seven years.
Three months ago, everything changed suddenly and unexpectedly both within the department and outside of it, for Winston and countless others.
TFRD Public Information Officer Pvt. Sterling "Butch" Rahe passed away on New Year's Day, leaving behind a vacancy in the role and in the hearts of many who knew him.
Winston would fill the vacancy as department spokesperson, taking over the role from Rahe, who was a close friend.
Winston said there are so many layers to taking on his new position: he's still trying to grieve the loss of his friend while grappling with the legacy of the role, all while learning the ropes himself.
"Dealing with all the emotions that come with that, dealing with the grieving process that comes with that, dealing with learning the position," Winston said. "I've had to put aside my emotions to make sure the position keeps going."
When Winston first joined the department almost eight years ago, he never saw himself talking to the media or speaking into a microphone. He was perfectly content serving as a firefighter and paramedic in his professional life, and a proud husband and father at home.
But Rahe, the then-current public information officer, saw something special in him.
"Every time Butch and I would have our run-ins, he would look at me and say 'you're probably going to be our next PIO,' and I would laugh and say 'it's not happening, it's not happening,'" Winston said.
Winston has a background in photography, but he said he's naturally camera-shy and didn't think he would ever get the opportunity to fill Rahe's shoes as the spokesperson for the department. At least, not anytime soon.
But the moment did arrive, just not in a way anyone could have wanted or predicted.
"Obviously I didn't get the opportunity for the mantle to get passed to me," Winston said. "Unfortunately, the situation was, Sterling passed away on Jan. 1."
It was too soon.
"I walked into the hospital and I don't know, nothing can prepare you for what I saw," TFRD Chief Allison Armstrong said. "Worst case scenario."
Not only had Armstrong lost her friend and co-worker of 24 years, she needed to find someone to fill his shoes. After a careful search, it was Winston who fit the bill.
"When we called him up, he came right down to headquarters and said, 'Chief, what can I do? How can I help?'" Armstrong said.
Suddenly, Winston was sitting at his old friend's desk, picking up Rahe's seven-year legacy; something he said is intimidating to say the least, but a challenge he is ready to take on.
"Right now I feel like I'm the caterpillar right now. I'm the caterpillar and I have to continue to remember Butch was a caterpillar himself," Winston said. "I want to take this to another level and I want to make sure that my brother is very, very proud of me in his heavenly space."
Winston said that whenever he feels like he's the wrong fit for the job, he reads a letter written by Rahe seven years ago, saying he too had doubts about his place in the department and speaking to the media.
Winston said if Rahe could push through that kind of self-doubt, he can, too.